


Trophy Husband

by HeavenlyDusk



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, M/M, Marriage, alternative title: adventures in questionable ethics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 02:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17438309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyDusk/pseuds/HeavenlyDusk
Summary: Tsuna doesn't want to have "man of the house" responsibilities, so Kyoko suggests he gets a husband.(In which Sasagawa Kyoko has bad ideas, which indirectly lead to many, many of Reborn's headaches)





	Trophy Husband

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyHallen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyHallen/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Marry me?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17436140) by [LadyHallen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyHallen/pseuds/LadyHallen). 



> So I read LadyHallen's [fic](http://ladyhallen.tumblr.com/post/182022332857/prompt-marry-me) on tumblr about a day before it was posted on AO3?? And I absolutely h a d to write my own version. So here it is!  
> This fic is like, 98% crack, which means the only characters who are written as I would usually write them are the Hibari parents and Hana. Everyone else is at least a little different from how I usually characterize them in my fics. Especially Iemitsu. I don't usually write him as... emphatic like I have here.
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy!

It starts because Tsuna is an adorable child, Kyoko is mischievous, Kyoya is out of his depth, and Hana is too tired to actually do anything about it.

(It all works out in the end, so _really_ , what’s the harm?)

Kyoko becomes friends with Tsuna because he’s shy and small and clumsy and when she looks at him the first time, she immediately decides, _This is the one I have to protect_. After thoroughly yelling at his bullies of the day, she whisks him away to play under a tree and Hana does nothing but sigh and resign herself to Kyoko’s new pet project.

Tsuna, for his part, is just happy to have not just one friend, but _two_. Two whole friends! Never mind the fact that six year old Sasagawa Kyoko might just be as certifiably insane as her brother—this is _amazing_. It’s the happiest he’s ever been since some time before the men he was supposed to call Papa and Nonno came by and he suddenly became _cold_.

* * *

In one world, Tsuna grows up on the outside. Though he has no friends, he does gain a perspective that allows him to see oddities in the world and register them as oddities. In this world, he’s still a little bit on the outside, except Kyoko is the most popular girl in school and Hana refuses to let him back out of anything, so he doesn’t have that outside view. He still notices things—like how Yamamoto Takeshi doesn’t really know how to smile like he means it, and how sometimes Ryohei literally glows when he’s punching people, and how the weird man with the shop has never actually aged in all the years he’s been there—but he puts most of it in the back of his mind.

It’s _Namimori,_ after all.

Now, for all that Kyoko is a bright, kind, smiling girl, she is also a Sasagawa. She might not be as _extreme_ as her brother, but sometimes she gets _ideas_ , and no matter how desensitized to her _ideas_ they may be, they still make Hana—and sometimes even Tsuna—cringe.

(The Great Kyoto Incident is something to never be spoken of.

Some time in the future, Gokudera asks what happened, and Hana slaps a hand over Kyoko’s mouth before she can say anything, while Tsuna buries his head in hands and starts sobbing. Kyoko, silenced by her best friend's hand, does nothing but grin)

So, Sasagawa Kyoko is not a normal girl, even though their classmates think she is.

This is important.

Tsuna’s largest influences in life growing up are Kyoko and Hana. His norms, then, end up a bit different from other boys his age. While they’re settled completely in their ideas of _strength_ and _protecting women_ , Tsuna allows himself to indulge in traditionally “feminine” pursuits—cooking and sewing and gardening with the other two.

“I don’t _like_ that fighting stuff,” he says to his mother, once.

“Oh, Tsu-kun,” she sighs, hand on her cheek. “You have to become the man of the house one day.” Tsuna makes a face, and doesn’t mention it to her again.

When he says the same to Kyoko and Hana, they frown.

“Well, if you don’t wanna be the man of the house, you can marry me,” Kyoko says, reasonably. “I’ll take care of you.” Hana stares at her.

“You’re like my sister,” Tsuna says. “I can’t marry you. Also, we like the same things, so I don’t think it would work out well. But you do have a very good punch.” Courtesy of her brother, not that Tsuna knows why she suddenly began learning how to box two months after they began their friendship.

(The answer came in the form of Kyoko’s righteous fury towards Tsuna’s bullies. Since Tsuna wasn’t very receptive to lessons in fighting, Ryohei took to teaching her instead. It’s a helpful way of getting her anger out when Tsuna doesn’t let her actually punch people)

“Hm. You’re right. What if you got a husband instead?” Kyoko suggests.

“We’re twelve,” Hana says flatly.

Tsuna beams at Kyoko’s idea. Kyoko beams right back. “That’s an idea!” he agrees. “If I had a husband, I wouldn’t have to do all that work!”

“Yeah, yeah!” Kyoko cheers. Tsuna cheers with her.

“We’re _twelve,_ ” Hana repeats, and goes ignored.

* * *

When Kyoya decides to beat a few herbivores up for bullying a smaller herbivore, he does not expect the same small herbivore to grab his hands, look up at him with sparkling eyes, and exclaim, “Please marry me!”

“Excuse me?” he responds.

“Will you please marry me?” the small herbivore repeats.

“No,” Kyoya says, tugs his hands away, and swiftly exits the scene.

No matter what Tetsu says later on, he did _not_ run away. It was a strategic retreat.

It doesn’t mean anything anyway, because the next day, there’s a bento waiting for him on the rooftop with a note saying,

_Please marry me_

_\- Sawada Tsunayoshi_

He throws the note away, but eats the bento.

The day after that, the same thing happens.

And the day after that.

And the day after that.

And then the herbivore manages to actually catch him. Once again, Tsunayoshi grabs his hands and looks up at him and asks his question and _damn him and his tiny fluffiness_.

Kyoya glares.

Tsunayoshi remains unaffected, which is, honestly, more incentive to say yes. Anyone he marries won’t be so weak as to be intimidated by a simple _glare_.

“Fine,” he relents.

The hug is—not unenjoyable.

* * *

There’s a lot of posturing the day Kyoko and Hana finally meet Kyoya. Hana meets his glare head on with one of her own, a protective arm wrapped around Tsuna, while Kyoko smiles like she doesn’t even notice he’s glaring. Tsuna is smiling too, a tad nervously, in his hopes that his future husband and his best friends will get along.

“Well!” Kyoko claps her hands together. “I think you’re a perfect husband for our Tsuna-kun!”

“I’m not convinced,” Hana says, baring her teeth at Kyoya.

“It’s none of your business, herbivore,” he snipes back.

“Who are you calling an _herbivore_?”

As the two devolve into an argument, Kyoko looks at Tsuna with a proud little grin. “I’m so glad you found the perfect husband,” she coos.

“Thank you for your help, Kyoko-chan,” Tsuna says sincerely.

“Why am I friends with you two?” Hana exclaims.

* * *

When your family is a large mafia/yakuza/triad family who owns the town as well as a large portion of Asia's underground system, you can get anything done—even entirely illegal weddings that really shouldn’t be allowed to happen in the first place, legalities aside. Kyoya wanted a courthouse wedding. His parents disagreed.

“You’re our only son and heir,” his father says. “It’s only right that we make this occasion as memorable as possible.”

The wedding ends up very nice, very traditional, and very public. Tsuna has a good time, at least.

(“Isn’t Tsunayoshi-kun the son of the Young Lion of Vongola?” Hibari Kazuki asks his wife in the middle of the festivities.

“Indeed.” The smile on Hibari Asuka’s face is entirely teeth and bloodlust. Kazuki, wisely, keeps his mouth shut after that)

* * *

Because the wedding was very nice, very traditional, and very public, _everyone_ in Namimori knows about it. No one says anything, because it’s Namimori and two middle schoolers getting married is, honestly, not the weirdest thing anyone has seen that week, and it’s far from the weirdest thing that the Hibaris have ever done, so therefore it’s a non-issue for the most part. Really, the only significance to it is that everyone in town has to adjust their lives accordingly to the multiple eyes that now keep watch over Sawada Tsuna.

For Tsuna’s bullies, the wedding means they can no longer get away with being his bullies. Most immediately cease their actions, but a few of the more stubborn ones refuse to let go up until Kyoya catches wind of things and promptly bites them to death. Then he bites the ones who stopped, too, just in case.

Kyoko gives Kyoya a list of names.

Tsuna is none the wiser.

* * *

Sawada Nana offers no objections to Tsuna moving into the Hibari household. In fact, no one is actually sure if she knew there was a wedding going on in the first place, but neither Asuka nor Kazuki are wont to tell her. It works out just as well either way. Tsuna is a Hibari now, which means it’s easiest to keep him close, and he’s all too happy to do so.

Cuddling is very nice, he learns after the first night. It’s very, _very_ nice, and though Kyoya won’t ever admit it, he likes to cling just as much as Tsuna does. This means nights are warmer than ever.

Oddly warm.

In fact…

“Hey Kyoya,” Tsuna says, at two in the morning on a Sunday night.

Kyoya opens an eye. “What, small animal?”

“Your family does that weird fire thing-y right?” he asks. He’s seen the family use their fire in spars every so often, and he chalked it up to a criminal thing. He didn’t really get it, but he was told of their mafia/yakuza/triad status before the marriage. “What happens when someone with a fire pokes your forehead?”

Kyoya props his head on his hand to look at him fully, eyes narrowed in consideration. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He doesn’t look frustrated by the lack of information, which Tsuna likes to think is because he’s getting used to the way Tsuna can’t find the right words a lot of the time. He’s a very understanding husband.

“Like, when I was five, my dad and this old guy came to the house, and after I fell out of a tree, the old guy lit a fire on his finger and poked my forehead and I passed out and when I woke up I was really, _really_ cold.” He pauses to catch his breath, then adds, “I’m not cold anymore though. Cuddling is really warm.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Kyoya says.

“Cuddling?”

“No.” He gives him a deadpan look. “I meant the other thing. That’s suspicious.”

“Sus—”

“I don’t trust whatever that man did to you,” he elaborates. Tsuna’s mouth makes an ‘o’ shape and he nods. “We’ll ask Mother and Father in the morning. Now go to sleep, small animal.”

“Okay! Good night, Kyoya.” Tsuna smiles, leans up to press a kiss to his cheek, and burrows his face back in his chest.

(He doesn’t see the way Kyoya’s face burns)

* * *

Asuka has to leave the room after Tsuna explains what happened seven years ago. Kazuki resolutely ignores the crashing sounds coming from the next room over as he sips his tea. Tsuna eyes the doorway, but self-preservation keeps him from actually checking in on his mother-in-law. Kyoya doesn’t even blink.

“Tsunayoshi-kun,” Kazuki says gently. “What your father and that other man did was _very_ wrong, and I’m glad we got to you when we did. It seems Kyoya’s Flames have Harmonized with yours, allowing it to chip away at the block they put on you. If we hadn’t, there’s a very real chance you could have died some time in the future.”

“What?” Tsuna breathes. Almost without realizing it, Kyoya snatches his hand and grips it tightly.

Asuka re-enters the room, not a single hair out of place, and takes her place beside Kazuki once more. “Did you ever used to play with fire, Tsunayoshi-kun?” she asks. “Fire that came from nowhere?”

“I think so.” He doesn’t have many clear memories of the time, but what he can remember is lots of orange and sparks and all-encompassing warmth that he hadn't realized he had until it was gone.

“Being able to summon those Flames is called being an ‘Active’ user,” she explains. “If you were Inactive, there would have been no issue with keeping your Flames locked away. We call that Sealing. _However_ , you were Active, which meant that a part of your very self was kept from reaching you. That’s dangerous, Tsunayoshi-kun.”

“But you’re fine now,” Kazuki says. “Our presence withered away at it. Have you noticed any changes in your body recently?”

“Uh…” Tsuna tries to think back, but honestly, his daily life has consisted of a lot of running around after Kyoya and Kyoko to stop them from doing stupid things, so he hasn’t thought much about himself. “Oh, wait!” He perks up. “I’ve been less clumsy lately!” He nods firmly to himself. He doesn’t have as many scrapes as he should have had, running around as often as he does now.

“Well, I think we can consider that progress then.” Kazuki smiles gently at him. “We’re glad we got to you in time.”

Kyoya’s grip on his hand loosens, but he doesn’t let go. Tsuna smiles back.

* * *

“Oh, Tsu-kun doesn’t live here anymore,” Nana tells Reborn, an absent smile on her face.

“He doesn’t?” Reborn says, and doesn’t let his shock show.

“Sorry to make you come all this way, but I guess Iemitsu didn’t get my message.” Nana laughs. “Tsu-kun lives with a friend now. Last year he just told me he was going and left. You can find him at the Hibari Estate on the northern edge of town; you can’t miss it.”

 _Hibari_ , Reborn thinks as he makes his way to the estate. It’s near impossible to not know who the Hibari Clan is. Deeply ingrained in the Triads as they are, they hold the position of one of the most powerful Families in the world right beside Vongola. The only reason they haven’t grown is because they’re a tight-knit community and generally dislike moving past Asia.

He hadn’t realized he was in a _Hibari_ town.

He has to stop outside the gate, where a voice on the intercom says, “Um, hello little boy. Are you lost?”

“My name is Reborn,” he says, looking into the camera above his head. “I’m looking for Sawada Tsunayoshi. I’m a tutor sent by his father, Iemitsu.”

“Uh… this is Sawada Tsunayoshi, but I don’t need a tutor,” the voice says. “I already have some. Oh, hi, Kazuki-san. Um, I mean, uh, D-Dad...” His voice fades as he addresses someone else. “Sorry, I was walking past when I saw this kid outside and no one else was here, so... Wait, this is _who_?” His voice rises in the beginnings of a shriek.

Another voice takes over. Tsunayoshi can still be heard hyperventilating in the background. “Hitman Reborn-san,” an older man says. “We’ll let you inside, and then I’d like to know exactly why Vongola’s Young Lion is making contact with his son for the first time in almost nine years through a fake tutor.” The intercom blinks off, leaving Reborn in quiet contemplation while the gates open in front of him.

He’s met inside by a butler, who leads him into a small sitting room. At one end of the table are none other than the _matriarch of the Hibari Clan and her husband_ and honestly, what kind of _idiot_ is Iemitsu to not know who runs his _own goddamn town_? Tsunayoshi sits beside them, looking unsure and a little panicked.

“Reborn-san,” Hibari Asuka says, smiling chillingly at him.

“Hibari-sama.” Reborn inclines his head in respect. “I apologize for the intrusion.”

“I don’t want apologies, I want answers. Why has Sawada Iemitsu sent the World’s Greatest Hitman as a tutor for Tsunayoshi-kun?”

“Why is Sawada Tsunayoshi living with the Hibari Clan?” Reborn counters.

“You’re the one coming into our home—answer my question first.”

It’s not that easy. Reborn isn’t technically a Vongola, but he’s contracted to Timoteo, and he can’t reveal the next Vongola Decimo to a Family who isn’t allied. The Hibari Clan may not be enemies, and Vongola may be a primarily European organization, but there’s still no telling what they could do with the information. He doesn’t know if Tsunayoshi’s relationship with the Clan itself is enough to keep him safe.

“I would prefer it if I could discuss this with Sawada-san, first,” Reborn says carefully. “This is sensitive information.”

Asuka’s eyes flash. “I don’t believe you understand your position, Reborn-san. Tsunayoshi-kun is _family_. Whatever his useless father has ordered has everything to do with us.”

“Family, or _family_?” Reborn asks.

“Does it matter?”

He looks to Tsunayoshi. The boy looks unbothered by her declaration. If anything, his expression is oddly blank. Somehow he’s managed to get his face under control, though his eyes still betray their wariness. “Asuka-san and Kazuki-san should hear whatever it is my dad wants me for,” Tsunayoshi decides for him. “They’re my family, Hitman-san, which means anything that might get me involved in the mafia is their business too.”

Reborn tips his fedora over his eyes. This is not what he was expecting. Sawada Tsunayoshi is supposed to be a bullied, no good, cowardly student. Who _wrote_ these reports?

“Vongola is in need of an heir,” he begins slowly. “As a direct descendent of Vongola Primo through Sawada Iemitsu’s side, Sawada Tsunayoshi is the only candidate for the position of Decimo.”

Asuka sits back, an oddly serene expression crossing her face. Kazuki’s eyebrows raise. They both look to Tsunayoshi, and Reborn does too. His eyes are wide, the gears visibly turning in his head as he processes the information.

After a few seconds of silence, he claps his hands together and grins. “This is perfect! I have to tell Kyoya!”

The careful guard on the Hibaris’ faces break, and they both let out small grins.

“Indeed, Tsunayoshi-kun,” Kazuki agrees. “This is the quite the perfect development. Before we learn anything more, we must wait for Kyoya’s return. He’ll want to know.”

“Should I call Kyoko-chan and Hana-chan, too?”

“No, best wait until you know more. You know how Kyoko-san gets.”

The emotional whiplash nearly makes Reborn’s head spin. Previously cold and unwelcoming, the Hibaris and Tsunayoshi are suddenly enthusiastic about the news. It’s not a _bad_ thing, but he’d have preferred anger to whatever _this_ is.

“Excuse me, but why are you happy?” he asks.

“Obviously because this means Vongola and the Hibari Clan will merge,” Tsunayoshi says. “I think Kyoya will be very happy to have a larger Family to run in the future. More opponents, you know.”

“What.”

* * *

Despite his demands for answers, the three keep frustratingly silent about their _everything_ , and Reborn loathes that he can’t just shoot them and be done with it. To do so would mean to be on the wrong side of the Hibari Clan, and even for the World’s Greatest Hitman, that’s not a position he wants to be in. Luckily, it’s only a half hour wait before the door slides open and the Hibari heir takes a seat beside Tsunayoshi, who smiles brightly at him.

And then kisses his cheek.

Reborn needs a moment to process that, because this is Japan, where people aren’t exactly free with their affections, and especially not boys towards other boys. Shockingly, Hibari Kyoya doesn’t look bothered, even as Tsunayoshi locks their hands together and sticks closely to his side.

“Who is this herbivore?” he asks, sending a disgusted glance in his direction. “Why have you called me from patrol, Mother, Father?”

“Kyoya, meet the World’s Greatest Hitman and the Sun Arcobaleno, Reborn,” Asuka says. “He’s come to train Tsunayoshi-kun into becoming Vongola Decimo.”

“Ah.” The hostility drains out into a more steady, secondhand irritation. He blinks. “Our Families are merging.” Why was  _that_ his immediate conclusion?

“Isn’t it exciting?” Kazuki smiles. Reborn is really, really starting to hate those smiles.

“Sawada Tsunayoshi may be living with you, but that does not automatically mean the Vongola will merge with the Hibaris,” he protests. Immediately, Kyoya sets a glare on him. It’s hardly intimidating, though Reborn is impressed by the audacity and the sheer killing intent coming off of him.

“Tsunayoshi is not a Sawada. He is a Hibari,” he growls.

“Oh, yeah, Hitman-san, can you not call me Sawada?” Tsunayoshi asks, making a face. “I haven’t gone by that name in a year. My name is Hibari Tsunayoshi. Nice to meet you. Sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier.”

“Hibari,” Reborn repeats slowly. “As in, adopted into the Family, or…?”

“Oh, no. I’m married to Kyoya!” Tsunayoshi grins, bright and cheerful. “I’m his mafia wife!”

“Not yet, dear Tsunayoshi-kun,” Asuka says. “Kyoya isn’t yet boss.” She and her husband look to Reborn, identical mischievous smirks on their faces.

For the second time in the past hour, Reborn says, “What.”

His headache gets worse.

* * *

“What is _wrong_ with your family?” Reborn hisses into the phone that night.

“Why are you in Namimori?” Fon asks.

“I’m supposed to be training the Vongola Decimo.”

“Oh, you found out about Tsunayoshi. I still haven’t met him—Kyoya refuses to allow me to get close. Is he as cute as he is in the pictures?”

“ _Fon_.”

* * *

Sasagawa Kyoko gets a frightening gleam in her eyes when Tsunayoshi tells her about his role as a “mafia wife.” Reborn hasn’t been able to beat it into him that he’s going to be a _boss_ , not a _wife_ , no matter the fact that he has a husband who is pretty much a mafia husband anyway.

Kurokawa Hana, on the other hand, looks dead inside, and is quick to drag her friends inside while shooting glares in Reborn’s direction. The other two don’t seem to notice. He approves of her protectiveness, and puts both girls down as potential Guardians.

* * *

Try as he might to get Tsunayoshi to actually learn things, he already has suitable tutors. They’re not _Reborn-grade_ , obviously, but he’s already been learning Italian and Mandarin, as well as mafia history as is relevant to the Hibari Clan, so all Reborn can do is teach him more languages, Vongola history, and attempt to wrestle him into taking training seriously.

“But I don’t like fighting,” Tsunayoshi whines. “Kyoya already makes me carry a taser around, but I have guards! I thought a mafia wife didn’t have to fight. I got married so I could have a strong husband!” Kyoya, whose lap he is currently sitting in, pauses and looks at him silently. Tsunayoshi pats his arm placatingly. “Don’t worry Kyoya, I do love you, but your strength is what drew me in first.” Apparently, that’s an acceptable answer, so he nods and returns to his paperwork.

Reborn resists the urge to rub away his never-ending headache. “Tsunayoshi, you can’t guarantee that you’ll always have guards on you. As boss, you’ll need to fight some day.”

(He calls him Tsunayoshi, because the one time he tried calling him “Dame-Tsuna” ended up more trouble than it was worth.

While he did beat the guards who attacked him for the name, he decided it took too much time and would just be a waste for everyone involved. So, no more Dame-Tsuna)

Tsunayoshi pouts. Looks at Kyoya, as though he’ll be any help.

“The baby has a point,” Kyoya tells him.

Tsunayoshi groans.

He still tries to get out of training as much as possible.

* * *

Reborn leaves off actually telling Timoteo and Iemitsu about Tsunayoshi’s marital status for as long as possible, but when Timoteo calls asking about his lack of reports, he can’t just _lie_.

Though it would be really, really funny if he could.

“Tsunayoshi is married,” he tells him. He has to close his eyes to stave off the returning headache. Tsunayoshi’s marriage is the cause of at least eighty percent of his current problems.

“He’s _what_?” Iemitsu shrieks.

Shit. The phone must have been on speaker.

The headache grows. He didn't think that would be possible, but as always, Iemitsu exceeds his expectations in the worst ways possible.

“Did I hear you correctly, Reborn?” Timoteo asks, sounding bewildered. “Tsunayoshi-kun is… married?”

“Yes. To a Hibari. The Hibari _heir_ , so not someone he can procreate with for heirs. He—” At this, Reborn cuts himself off and pinches the bridge of his nose. “He calls himself Hibari Kyoya’s _wife_.”

“Oh dear,” Timoteo says faintly. In the background, Iemitsu is audibly sobbing.

 _This is revenge_ , Reborn thinks, _for making me take this_ fucking _job._

* * *

It’s a day that Kyoko and Hana get to spend at the Hibari Estate with Tsuna when the Vongola men come. He doesn’t know it’s happening at first—because he and Hana are too busy trying to convince Kyoko that _no_ , maybe it’s not a great idea to frame Nezu-sensei for a multitude of crimes in order to get him fired and-or arrested—but then one of the maids knocks on the door and says, “Tsuna-sama, a few Vongolas are in the sitting room with your in-laws and the hitman, and they insist on meeting with you as well.”

“Vongola?” Tsuna blinks up at her. “Oh, okay.”

“We’re coming with,” Hana says quickly. Kyoko nods emphatically in agreement. Tsuna shrugs. He told them about the Hibari Clan when he married in, and Hana has already adjusted her plans to becoming a criminal lawyer for his sake, so what’s the harm in letting them join in on the discussion?

Reborn has a semi-pinched look on his face when Tsuna enters the room followed closely by his two best friends. It’s a look Tsuna has come to associate with his being very tired. The other people in the room alongside his in-laws are a blond man and an old guy, both of whom look familiar. He squints at them, then looks to Kazuki and Asuka.

“Hi Mom,” Tsuna says, sitting at his usual spot at the table. “Hi Dad.” It takes real effort not to stammer over the titles. It’s _weird_ , though he does get a little happy being able to say the words. They are, technically, his parents anyway.

The blond man starts and opens his mouth, but is interrupted by Kazuki. “Tsunayoshi-kun, hello,” he says, smiling at the title.

“We apologize for interrupting your time with your friends, but these two wouldn’t say a thing until we brought you in,” Asuka says, genuinely apologetic.

“It’s fine. Who are they?”

“Wh—Tuna-fishie, it’s me!” the blond man sputters. “It’s your Papa!”

Kyoko and Hana grow tense at his side. He glances at them. Hana’s eyes are dark, lips pursed, and Kyoko’s smile has grown wider to accommodate for more baring of her teeth than any actual friendliness. On Tsuna’s end, he honestly forgot about his biological parents. Nana was a pretty flighty mother at best and his father… Well, his father’s place in his life is obvious.

“Uh, right…” he says awkwardly, unsure of how to say he didn’t remember what he looked like, considering he hadn’t seen him since he was five. “Who are you, then?” he asks the old man.

“My name is Timoteo,” the old man replies. “I’m Vongola Nono.”

“Ah. Um, Reborn, why are they here?”

“I told them you were married and they wanted to come here to… confirm it,” Reborn sighs. “Iemitsu—your idiot of a father—was especially worried.”

“Why did you get _married_ , Tuna-fish?” his father—Iemitsu, wasn’t it? —wails. Tsuna leans back, put off by what might be legitimate tears in his eyes. “You’re only a child! You can’t be _married_!”

“Yes I can. I’m already married,” Tsuna says patiently. His fingers flex under the table, but as a Hibari, he has too much pride to show irritation to this guy.

“But you—you’re so innocent! Pure! I don’t even know who this boy _is_! How do I know he’s good for you?”

“For someone who hasn’t been around the past nine years, you sure seem to think you have any say in what Tsuna can and can’t do,” Hana scoffd. Tsuna is touched. Considering she hasn’t stopped criticizing the marriage since he told her he wanted to marry Hibari Kyoya, it’s pretty flattering that she’s still taking his side. His father is just that much of a scumbag, obviously.

“Tsunayoshi-kun, I’m—” Timoteo tries.

“I don’t know you,” Tsuna interrupts. “Why are you using my name so familiarly? My name is Hibari.”

“My apologies. Hibari-kun—" Tsuna twitches, "while Iemitsu is being rather… dramatic, he does raise valid concerns. You’re very young to be making such rash decisions for your life, and as the only heir to Vongola, it’ll be hard for you to get a successor married to another man as you are. The Vongola seat can only be inherited by one of Vongola blood.”

Tsuna shrugs. “So I’ll get a surrogate.”

“I can do it,” Kyoko offers.

“That’s a terrifying prospect,” Hana deadpans.

“So it’ll work out,” Tsuna continues and smiles. “Besides, I’m not the one who’s going to be leading Vongola. Once the Hibari Clan merges with Vongola, it’ll be Kyoya doing the leading. I’m just his wife and occasional advisor.” He originally hadn't considered an 'advisor' status, but then he remembered the damage Kyoya could do. As much as he adored his strength, he didn't want to inflict the world with what Kyoya could do.

“You’re doing a wonderful job so far,” Asuka praises.

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You can’t be a wife already!” Iemitsu cries, sobbing openly into his hands. It’s getting a little disturbing. Tsuna eyes him, ready to bolt at any moment. “I won’t allow it!”

“Who do you think you are, herbivore?” Kyoya’s voice bites out. Tsuna perks and looks to him as he enters the room with Kusakabe behind him. “The small animal is _mine_. Who are you, and why are you invalidating our relationship?”

“Welcome home, Kyoya,” Kazuki says, echoed by Tsuna. “This is Sawada Iemitsu and the Vongola Nono. They heard about your marriage and are a little concerned.”

“You! You’re the one who’s defiled my precious son!” Iemitsu points an accusing finger at Kyoya. Tsuna cringes back at the stormy look overtaking his husband’s face. “I don’t care that you’re just a teenager—I will fight you for him!”

Kyoya’s lips curve in a bloodthirsty, frustrated grin and his eyes flash. “So be it. I’ll _bite you to death_.”

“Nope.” Tsuna stands and takes Kyoya by the arm, dragging him to the table to set him down. He hugs his arm to his chest to keep him from getting back up. “Kyoya, I love you, but I won’t let you fight here.”

“Small animal,” Kyoya says warningly. Tsuna _married_ this boy, so he’s not worried. After a few seconds of pointed silence, Kyoya huffs and settles down.

“If we’re all settled down now, I do want to continue this conversation,” Timoteo says. “Tsu—Hibari-kun, do you mean you aren’t planning on leading Vongola?”

“That’s right.” Tsuna nods. “I’m not a leader and I don’t like that kind of stuff, so I’m passing the reins on to Kyoya.”

“I don’t think that’s something you can quite do.”

“Why not?”

“Yes, why not?” Asuka asks.

“Well, you see—”

The conversation goes on for a long, long time.

Shockingly, the only things that get broken in the process are Iemitsu’s brain and Reborn’s sanity.

(Eventually, the kids get bored of it and retreat to the garden. Kyoya returns to patrol with Kusakabe, but only after making plans with Kyoko to meet up and _deal_ with Iemitsu.

Personally.

And preferably, without Tsuna or Hana knowing.

None the wiser, Tsuna happily thinks about his future as Kyoya’s trophy husband)

**Author's Note:**

> BONUS SCENE: (placed some time after Gokudera and Yamamoto join the gang)
> 
> "Tsuna-sama is _married_?" Hayato shrieks, staring in horror at Tsuna and Hibari. Apparently when he's looking at Tsuna, he's actually willing to show human emotion. It's as mindblowing as it is horrifying, because this is _Tsuna_ with this _demon_. "He's married to THAT GUY?"
> 
> Yamamoto laughs, leaning back against the chain link fence. "Haha, yup! The wedding was pretty spectacular! It's common knowledge around here!"
> 
> Hayato has the very sudden need to faint.
> 
> o0o0o
> 
> Tsuna is attracted to men who can step on him #confirmed
> 
> Thanks for reading guys! I may or may not end up adding to this, but for now, it's finished. I do have some things I want to add in though, so, hmm...  
> If you like my fics, feel free to check out my [tumblr writing blog](http://heavenly-dusk.tumblr.com)! (But only if you want to)


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